Zach vs. Slater, Kapowski vs. Spano

one of the least successful pickup lines i've ever used is to ask a girl who she prefers; Zach Morris or A.C. Slater. I used infer a great deal about the girl by their answers. If a girl said Zach, she is obviously looking for a manipulative pansy ass with a nice car, feminine looks and enough hair gel to stop time. If a girl said Slater, she wants an alpha male type frat boy with a g-curl who roofies her punch the first time he gets her in the sack. the girls who piqued my interest were the ones who said, "what about screech?" Screech is obviously not worthy of most girls given his horrible fashion sense, squelching hi/lo voice, irritating Jewfro and overall nerdiness. the mere mention of screech is an affirmation that this girl was one that was worth talking to. poor Screech forever annotated as Lisa Turtle's daily restraining order. A girl that excludes themselves from the douchebag paradigm of zach vs. slater is one that is thinking thoughts i can align myself with.

the only other reasonable response to this query is a girl who deflects the question by asking, "kelly or jesse?" again, lisa turtle isn't even mentioned. but i have to be honest, growing up it was all Kelly Kapowski. after the show ended and Jesse Spano became a water nympho in Showgirls, you were officially preaching to the converted. looking back, jesse spano was the obvious choice. flawed and strong at the same time, no one can forget the episode where jesse, kelly and lisa get their big break doing a dance/singing routine to the Pointer Sisters, "I'm So Excited," on television. the stress becomes to much for Jesse and she turns to methamphetamines/diet pills to keep herself awake. zach confronts her about her abuse and she exclaims, "I'm So Excited, I'm So Excited, I'M SO SCARED!" Hilarious, no doubt, but it paints a picture of imperfection that i love in women. Jesse was also the portrait of the feminist cause, constantly calling her jock boyfriend a 'pig'. to have her first big role, post opt Saved by the Bell, be a tart showgirl, who strips and cries, then cries and strips was such a departure that kelly kapowski was left in the dust. the love scene between her and Kyle McLaughlin has to be the most overacted scene in movie history. Even the look on Kyle's face in the scene is like, "what the fuck is she doing?" Jesse, aka Elizabeth Berkley has taken on a number of great indie film roles, including a nice turn with Jennifer Beales and Campbell Scott in the indie sleeper hit Roger Dodger. she makes out with an underage kid in this movie....nice!

Everyday, 4pm, Saved by the Bell, would come on TBS. I don't think i've missed a single episode. That show is a part of my genetic makeup. Just to update. Jesse, by far the most successful of the gang, is acting still on TV and film, Screech is making porn, Zach earned critical acclaim on NYPD Blue, Lisa Turtle does small bit parts in black comedies mostly and plays the love interest in various R&B videos, Slater is a reality TV whore, Kelly is doing crap television and Mr. Belding played a pedophile on "Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia."

They made this cheeseball reunion show about Zach and Kelly finally getting married in Vegas. Fuck that! They should've gotten married at THE MAX!

So now i put it to you faithful reader. Who do you prefer? Kelly, Jesse or Lisa? Zach, Slater or Screech? post your answers with a brief explanation and the best answer gets no prize whatsoever!