Timmy and the piglets

Saturday evening after mashing around in search of cheap, strong drink I found myself hungry and anxious. A word on pizza in San Francisco; everyone feels like the pizza here is so god awful and compared to a slice in Brooklyn that's been cooked in the same oven for a century you are probably right. I'm not quite ready to say that ALL pizza in SF is garbage though. Case in point is Arinell's Pizza on Valencia and 16th. I don't think I've ever been there when they weren't playing one of the Slayer albums which is a feat in itself. The pizza is the closest you're going to get to a genuine east coast slice so if you've never been check it out. Its quick, cheap and filling.
After my drunken romance with my pepperoni slice i called around looking for somewhere to go before i hung them up for the evening. I decided to head towards Hayes valley to a tiny annoying bar called Jade on my skateboard.
I was about two blocks from the bar when i popped a lite little ollie onto the sidewalk and then flashing lights, a beam of white light in my eyes and the voice of some bored cop over the monitor;
"STOP."
Out the window this cop with an 80 pound says, "hey Timmy."
Rising slowly non chalant out the car he aims his flashlight in my face "what's going on?"
"Ugh nothing."
"You know you can't skate on the sidewalk?"
"No, i didn't know that."
The design of a law like no skating on the sidewalk seems practical enough. You don't want people getting run over and that makes sense. I believe that a law like that should be enforced when appropriate but I'm looking down the block in either direction and there isn't a soul to be seen.
"So if I had been skating in the street you wouldn't have pulled me over?"
"That's right, Timmy."
"Why do you keep calling me that?"
"Have you done any drugs tonight," he says casually beaming my eyes with his flashlight.
"No," i lied, "but i did have a few beers. Is that a drug?"
"No that's alcohol. Maybe you're too old to be riding around drunk on a skateboard."
I look into the police car and see that the other officer is writing me a ticket.
"She's writing me a ticket?"
"That's right, Timmy."
"Aren't there actual crimes you could be preventing right now, instead of hassling me? This is a great use of valuable police resources."
Policeman alpha male and his small dick looks me up and down, nods slightly left and winces, "You should probably stop talking, Timmy."
The other officer approaches me and asks me to sign.
"What am I signing?"
At that point officer small dick, grabs my arm and puts me down to my knees.
"Put your hands over your head!"
"Okay."
"Run his ID and call for backup."
"You need backup," I say half smiling.
"One more word and you're under arrest. Have you ever been arrested?"
"Yup."
"For what?"
"Disturbing the peace and..umm...minor in possession."
"Are you on parole?"
I don't answer.
"All right Timmy, are you going to sign this?"
"Sure."
"You can contest this if you like."
"Rest assured, I will."

This is why people get shot and die in major cities in America. While some poor soul's stomach lining is being ripped open by a 9mm glock, the piglets are stopping me for skating on an empty sidewalk. FTC!

As the cops remounted their harassment vehicle, everyone's favorite local policeman, Officer Baby Dick, calls out to me, "goodnight, Timmy."
"Look at the ticket you just wrote me, my name is Elliott."

I feel sorry for guys named Timmy. It was really degrading to be called that.